Choosing Happiness

 We have all heard, at some point, the idea that we are responsible for our feelings, that no one can “make” us feel anything.  But what does that really mean, when our experience is that the behavior of someone else seems to be the cause of our feelings?  How can we, therefore, be “responsible” for them? 

We are responsible for our feelings simply because they belong to us.  Though our feelings are always valid and sometimes may even be considered “normal”, the fact is that someone else may have different feelings in response to the same thing.  Why would one person feel one way, and someone else another?  Because of the different thoughts in each person’s head.  The question of why we are feeling something can certainly be explored in terms of what has happened to “make” us feel that way.  But this inevitably leads to blaming our feelings on something outside of ourselves, and takes away our power to do anything about them.  It is more productive to explore our feelings for what they are telling us about ourselves – our thoughts, our beliefs, our values.  Once we do that, we can actively make responsible choices around those feelings. 

It is true that we are never in control of things outside of ourselves, but that we can control who we choose to be in response to them.  Everyone we relate with provides us an opportunity to get information about who we are being, and to make adjustments towards who we want to be.  Our feelings are the key to getting that information.   We make choices of thought and behavior based on our feelings constantly.  But it’s dangerous to make choices based solely on feelings which we haven’t fully recognized nor taken ownership of.  To do so places us at the whim of those feelings and of the people or things we perceive to cause them.  It makes us victims.  It is how conscious we are of our feelings and what they tell us about ourselves that determines to what degree our choices will reflect who we really want to be. And the more our choices reflect who we want to be, the closer those choices can bring us to happiness.     

   

Authenticity. What the #%!@ does that mean?

     I had a very interesting conversation with a coachee last week about being authentic.  Specifically, about whether being concerned with someone’s response to you automatically makes you inauthentic.  And, in asserting my opinion that it did, I was caught in a possible contradiction.  In my first post, I mentioned the importance to our personal growth of the feedback we get from our interactions with others.  But if we are concerned with that feedback, are we able to be authentic?

     In my opinion, any time we concern ourselves primarily with the response we are getting or going to get, we are doomed to perpetrate a manipulation.  And a futile one at that, since we can very rarely predict another’s response or even accurately interpret it.  Plus, many people can tell when we are concerned about or trying to get a response from them , and then we are definitely not going to get the response we are looking for. 

     To what extent, then, should we consider the feedback we get from others?  To the extent that it is useful information in determining a much more important concern.  Who do I want to be in this moment?  The deeper my level of awareness, the more equipped I am to answer this question.  The effect or possible effect of my actions on, for instance, the feelings of another may be very useful – given this information, who do I want to be in this moment?  Maybe in some cases the information doesn’t ultimately bear on the answer at all.  Either way, it comes back to me – to the kind of person I want to be, the kind of wife I want to be, the kind of daughter I want to be, the kind of friend I want to be.  It is a deepening level of awareness, coupled with this kind of conscious behavior, that leads to true authenticity.