What are you putting out there?

     My husband and I love to tell the story of how we met.  But around the holidays, we really love to tell it, because it was just before Christmas when I found him online, and over Christmas and New Years that we had our first (all-night) phone conversations.  That’s right – found him online, on nerve.com to be precise.  But I think what’s even more remarkable than finding a spouse online (afterall, who isn’t nowadays?) is what came just before our discovery.

     About a month previous, I rewrote my profile.  See, my cousin had written a profile for me so that she could post me on another site where you could recommend someone you love.  And after reading the profile she wrote, it occurred to me that I would be much more likely to contact THAT woman than the one behind the profile I had written.  In fact, the profile I had written was LAME.  Modest to the point of apology, the basic selling point was, “well, I’m not crazy, so date me”.  And while this may indeed be an important thing to point out to many a man, it was not exactly a rave review.  In fact, now that I looked at it, what I asked for in return was pretty lame too.  I described a nice guy who was nice to me and made me laugh, but was so timid about asking for exactly what I knew I wanted, probably because I didn’t feel certain I could get it. 

     So I thought about it – what is it like to be in a relationship with me?  And more than that, what would it be like to be in a really GOOD relationship with me?  What great things would that bring out in me?  What would my partner enjoy and appreciate most about me?  What would I add to my partner’s life?  What would we be like together?  What would the relationship add to both of our lives?  What would we be FOR each other?  What kind of relationship am I ready for, and what kind of relationship should he be ready for?  And I wrote about all of that.

     Turns out, he had done the same sort of revision just a few days before I found him.

     There’s more to this story, and I will share more next time, but for now, I thought I’d put this out there for singles looking towards the new year with hope of being in a relationship.  What are you putting out there?  What have you been saying about yourself, and what have you been asking for? 

Should I tell my wife?

     A young, married coworker came to work a week ago all aglow from a chance encounter with a long lost girlfriend.  The conversation had brought closure to what was a confusing break up for him.  Feeling warm and fuzzy, and not wanting to be rude, as they parted ways the young man got her phone number with the casual intention of being able to stay in touch.  A good husband who was obviously uncomfortable with keeping secrets from his wife, but also not wanting to needlessly upset her, and certainly not interested in subjecting himself to an emotional reaction, he asked the question : “Should I tell my wife about this encounter?”

     After a moment, I gave him this suggestion – either tell your wife the whole story, or get rid of that number. 

     On some level, he had to see what having this number left him open to – if not an out-and-out affair, certainly more secrets and deception - and therefore to see the validity of his wife’s possible discomfort with the story.  What he was objecting to was the accusation he was expecting, when he hadn’t done anything wrong, and felt he was not going to do anything wrong.  This way, his continued communication with this girl is on the up-and-up with his wife, or there is no communication at all and no need for alarms.  Though why, if he decided to lose the number, he still wouldn’t want to share the story with his wife is beyond me.  Maybe that’s a whole other conversation.

     Therefore, a note to wives out there – take a moment to examine whether you have ever given your husband a good reason not to want to share the truth with you.  In this case, it would of course be perfectly reasonable for the wife to be uncomfortable, and to clearly communicate this discomfort and what she needs to feel safe.  She might even mention that she knows he will put her feelings and the marriage before any possible relationship with this girl.  But she wouldn’t make the marriage stronger by punishing him for telling her with accusations and premature anger.  She’d do better to recognize that this was a positive experience that he wanted to share with her, and trusted her to handle with understanding and dignity.  An acknowledgement of and appreciation for his sharing the truth would go a long way.