You can take it (her/him) with you.

     In many ways, we come to know about ourselves by the choices we make, both on a large scale and in the small interactions of our daily lives. We see how we are behaving, and we identify ourselves as someone who behaves that way. That is why the way one relationship ends has so much resonance for the next one. The baggage we carry with us from one relationship to the next has less to do with what has happened to us than with how we have come to define ourselves through the experience. The fact is, if we truly trust ourselves to handle any situation with self-love, dignity, strength and compassion, we carry no baggage.

     If we leave a relationship as a resentful person, we enter the next relationship looking for a problem. If we leave a relationship as someone who is betrayed or taken advantage of, we enter the next relationship without trust. If we leave a relationship as someone who lacks understanding, we enter the next relationship unable to hear or know our partner. But if we can leave a relationship as someone who hears, understands, and acts out of compassion for both ourselves and our partners, we enter the next relationship ready for love.

     If we can use the challenges of the dissolution of a relationship to define ourselves this way, we can move on freely. If that is not possible (and sometimes it’s not), we can expect to have to use the next one to find that ideal version of ourselves, and be prepared to do the work. So be mindful of who you are being as you end your relationship – you take her with you.

Easier said than done, but something to consider.

There’s a fine line between wanting to be right and wanting to be understood in any argument and they can often look like very much the same thing.  We push and push and push to get our point across, relentlessly pursuing a concession.  A concession, yes, but of what kind, exactly? 

 

I push because I assume you don’t understand my point.  After all, I think, if you truly understood, you couldn’t possibly still believe I was wrong and you were right.  But then what if you demonstrated you absolutely understood?  What if you took a moment to not only acknowledge what I was saying, but that you understood why I was saying it, why it made sense to me?  What if you did all that, and then told me why you STILL disagree?  I suppose I would have to listen to what you were saying, or at least stop pushing my point.

 

And who knows, maybe if I truly understood what you were saying, if I took the time to demonstrate I absolutely understood, maybe I wouldn’t still believe I was right.  Or maybe I just wouldn’t care so much about being right anymore.  Either way, it’s worth a try.