There are a lot of contexts in which we hear the phrase, “unconditional love”. In church and synagogue, in spirituality forums, in self-help and relationship books. We know we are suppose to have it, practice it, demonstrate it…towards all human beings. But we’re never really told what it is. It sounds like a good idea, but at the same time, there seems something sort of unreachable and perhaps even unwise about loving someone without ANY conditions. We wonder whether unconditional love suggests that we tolerate or embrace qualities in or behaviors from others we instinctively find unacceptable. What the hell is unconditional love, and what has it got to do with real relationships?
I like to think of unconditional love as a combination of compassion and respect. And indeed it is, I believe, the foundation for all healthy relationships. When we are compassionate, we react with kindness and understanding. When we respect others, we assume they have reasons behind their choices, which prevents us from futile attempts to control them. So more than just being kind (which is sometimes no small feat), when we practice unconditional love we “accept others fully for who they are”. Meaning, we either don’t feel the need or we resist the urge to change them.
Where it gets confusing, I think, is when we try to add this concept to other kinds of love, such as filial love, or romantic love. These “add-ons” are not, nor should they be unconditional. They are, if they are to be successful, based on a foundation of unconditional love. But you are under no obligation whatsoever to nuture romantic (or filial) love towards anyone who, after effective communication, doesn’t meet certain emotional needs or positive conditions.
On the one hand, it’s important to ask yourself, are you demonstrating unconditional love in your relationships? To what extent are you consistantly compassionate? In what ways do you disrespect your partners in these relationships by trying to change who they are? You can often gauge the potential success or failure of a relationship by the answers to these questions.
But, on the other hand, sometimes the only way you can demonstrate true unconditional regard towards someone is to change the nature of the relationship. In order to make it easier to accept this person fully for who he is, to not try to change her, to feel compassionate towards him and treat her with kindness,you can no longer be his lover. Or no longer be her friend. Or no longer associate at all.
If we want our relationships to be healthy and successful ones, we must make unconditional love the priority. We can measure our ability to love unconditionally by the yardsticks of compassion and respect. And if we come up short, it is either ourselves or the relationship itself that we must look to change.
Posted by randieshane 